MAN: Morning!
-Come on, James! -For God's sake, Siegfried, where are we going?
In here.
-Morning. -Morning, gentlemen. Nice day for it, isn't it?
Depends what "it" is, Albert.
Albert, those pruning shears you got in the window, let me have a look at them.
Thinking of trimming privet are you, gents?
I don't think it's privet he's got in mind, actually.
Not privates, surely Mr Herriot?
SIEGFRIED: What do you think, James?
You're not considering a bit of finger-chopping for non-paying customers, are you?
(LAUGHS) Not fingers, James.
But I tell you, these could save us one hell of a lot of cash.
We can't use those, Siegfried. We'll be struck off!
Rubbish! They're rapid and humane, what do you think?
Well, they do look very sharp but...
Well, there's only one way to find out, let's try.
Fetch me some of those canes, kindly, Albert, you got over there, would you?
-You mean these? -SIEGFRIED: Yes.
Now hold one out to me.
No, no, up, up!
(CHOPPING CONTINUES)
Why these are perfect, James.
-Absolutely perfect. You want a go? -Really, Mr Farnon...
No, thanks, Siegfried.
SIEGFRIED: Right, Albert, we'll take them, how much are they?
-Uh, 12 and six. -And the cane?
Another shilling.
Good.
Help yourself.
Ta.
Goodbye, Albert, and thank you.
Bye, Albert.
Privates...
Poor beasts.
Still...
Have you seem this contraption they're flogging, James?
-What? -Look at that.
"Humane dehorning guillotine, swift and efficient."
Yeah, but look at the price.
-£160? That's daylight robbery, Siegfried. -Of course it is.
Look at the size of the thing. It's nearly as big as a man.
You'd have to be a trained athlete to get it off the floor in the first place.
I know that the chop schools hold sway at the moment but not with that thing.
That's strictly for the French.
You want to use them for dehorning cattle.
-Of course I do. -Ah.
But I tell you what, James, Albert's given me an idea.
How do you think they'd do for pigs?
-Siegfried... -What's that?
Hello, Andy.
-It's good to see you. -Good of you to have me, Jim.
It'll be all round the Dales by 4:00.
-What will? -"I saw Mr Herriot at the station.
"He was picking up a taxman, a Minister of Agriculture official,
-"the man from Littlewoods, a police inspector." -(LAUGHS)
You name it, by 4:00 you'll have been it.
Boy, it certainly makes a change to be noticed once in a while.
Welcome to the Dales, Andy.
-Thanks, Mr Herriot. -(LAUGHS)
-I've got the car outside. -Okay.
So, how long are you staying?
Oh, I don't know. A few days maybe.
I was at this dreadful banking conference in Edinburgh
and the thought just came into my head
how nice it would be to drop in on the Herriots again,
recharge my batteries.
-Well, you're always welcome here, you know. -Oh, thanks.
Yes, it'll be nice to see Helen and the kids again.
Does she still refer to me as your city slicker friend?
Look, as far as Helen's concerned,
anybody who lives in a place with more than 2,000 inhabitants is a city slicker.
I don't know how you do it, you know?
-Do what? -Work in a bank.
I wouldn't last five minutes.
-I used to love maths, remember? -Don't I just.
Didn't you use to win prizes for dreadful things like trigonometry?
-Oh, Jim, could we stop for a minute? -Yes, of course.
ANDREW: This is paradise.
Look at all that green.
And those clouds.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
You know, I've heard people talking about air being like wine.
This is the first time I've realised what they meant.
Well, it is all a matter of taste.
It's more like best bitter to me.
Come on.
There you are, Andrew.
Ah! I spy a banker, the very man we need.
Hello, Andrew. Can't keep away from us, I see.
Hello, Siegfried. I only wish it were more often.
He's come to pay his respects to the rural life again.
I'm glad to hear somebody is paying something around here.
I thought I'd tunnel my way out of the office for a little bucolic bliss.
Well, our James doesn't have a monopoly of that.
No, you're more than welcome to try a little pastoral peace with me
tomorrow morning if you want to.
-Thanks, I'd enjoy that. -Good.
Right.
Well, I'll check if we have wood on the cooking fires for lunch.
Oh, good, James. (STUTTERS) And don't forget to draw the water.
Ah...
I suppose you know all about bills in your trade, Andrew, don't you?
Oh, I'd say we get the odd one or two, yes.
Look at this lot.
We've got unpaid invoices stretching back to the days of barter.
Farmers, the slowest payers in the world.
Look at this one.
Dumbleby's a wealthy butcher and a farmer to boot.
He's as rich as a Rockefeller.
If we get a glimpse of money from him,
he's ill for a week.
I was always under the impression
that a farmer would spend his last penny on a sick animal.
Oh, they do, Andrew. They do, we get it all the time.
We present the bill and they say,
"There you are, that's our last penny, take it or leave it."
Ever thought of slapping a writ on them?
Ah, we have our own system...
PNS.
PNS? What's that?
Polite, nasty, solicitor's letter.
-(LAUGHING) Does it work? -No.
PICKERSGILL: There's two pennies in the slot.
Dial the number...
Number...
Numbers...
Three...
Eight...
Five...
(PENNY DINGS)
Hello! Is that vet's?
SIEGFRIED: Yes, this is the vet's.
It's Mr Pickersgill. I'm speaking from the cossack.
Andrew, come here.
Uh, you're speaking from where, Mr Pickersgill?
The cossack, the telephone cossack.
Oh, I see. What can I do for you?
I've got a cow in calf to the ICI
and she's got them mastics.
Could you say that again, Mr Pickersgill?
It were Mr Tristram who insemblimated cow
and now she's got them mastics.
You mean, Mr Tristan got your cow in calf by artificial insemination.
That's right, and now she's got them mastics.
This is a very bad line, Mr Pickersgill.
What was that last word you said?
Them mastics. She's got a chill in udder.
A chill in the udder? Oh!
Mastitis. That's what you mean, Mr Pickersgill. Mastitis.
That's what I said first time.
Well, now, Mr Pickersgill, I'm on surgery duty this morning,
so you'll just have to rub and strip her until I can send someone out to you.
A rubber strip?
What do I use that for, Mr Farnon?
Rub and strip, Mr Pickersgill, rub and strip. Goodbye.
-Local patois. Wondrous, isn't it? -(LAUGHS)
Mind if I wind the window down?
No, help yourself.
(INHALES) Mmm.
You're a lucky beggar, you know that, Jim?
You spend your life driving around in country like this.
I spend my life in a damned office all day.
I thought you liked your job.
I suppose playing around with figures is what I'm best at.
When I think I live and work in a windowless box
and share what passes for air with a whole crowd of other people,
I think I'm due for a change,
do something different with my life.
Well, you can start by opening this gate.
Don't forget to close it, Andrew.
(GATE CLANGING)
This is the life for me, James.
-Afternoon. -And how are you this afternoon, sir?
-I'm very well, thank you, Mr Hugill. -Good.
-Good, good. -Very good, sir.
JAMES: This is a friend of mine, Mr Bruce.
He's come along to see how we do tuberculin testing.
The brothers Hugill, Mr Bruce.
William.
(ANIMAL GROANS)
-Walter. -Sir.
-Thomas. -Sir.
-And Fenwick. -Sir.
-Pleased to meet you, gentlemen. -Pleasure's ours, sir.
ALL: Pleasure's ours, sir.
By God, Jim, aren't these people polite?
Courtesy like that is in very short supply in London, I can tell you.
Come on. Let's get on with it.
(MOOING)
I'm sorry I'm late. I can never work out how long it takes to drive up here.
Yes, it can be difficult sometimes, sir.
-Aye, it is difficult. -Yes, it is.
Aye, it is hard to work it out, it is that, sir.
I'll get started, shall I?
Whew...
It's warm in here, isn't it?
I think you're right, sir, it's a bit warm.
Aye, it's warm all right.
-It is warm, you're right, sir. -Yeah! You're right, sir.
It is warm. After a bit of rain, it's often warm like this.
Don't you find it a trifle warm, Mr Bruce?
Hmm.
(STUTTERS) I'm inclined to agree, it is on the temperate side, yes.
I think you are right there, sir. It is a bit warm.
Now, what I'll be looking for, Andrew, is the cow's number inside the ear.
WALTER: No, Mr Herriot, you won't need to look in the ear.
I've got all the numbers written down.
Oh, that will save a lot of time.
Been keeping herd records, have you?
WALTER: We have that, sir. THOMAS: That's it, we have that. (LAUGHS)
Haven't been writing them on old bills, have you?
-No! -(ALL LAUGHING)
I've set them all down in a proper book.
Good.
Well, could you go and get it for me, please?
No need, I've got it here.
Is that it?
That's your herd record is it?
Aye, this is it, and it's all written down in here.
That's splendid.
Right, I'll just do this cow and then we'll do it by the book.
Now, that first one,
she's number 84.
That's funny, this one says 26.
WALTER: You're right there, sir. It does say 26.
-Um, that's 26 all right. -That's Bluebell's calf, isn't it?
Nay, she's out of old Buttercup.
Can't be, old Buttercup was sold to Tim Jefferson before this one was born.
This is Brenda's calf.
THOMAS: Nah! She was bought in as a calf at Ashby's estate.
All right! All right...
Let's call this one 26, shall we?
ALL: 26 it is, sir.
PICKERSGILL: It's them mastics, young fella?
Uh, mastitis, yes, I'm afraid so, Mr Pickersgill.
I knew it.
In me college days I was always told you get a hard swollen bag
and stinking rubbish with them mastics.
Oh! You went to college?
Aye, lad.
I had a two-week course for agricultural workers at Leeds University in 1910.
Oh, I see.
Well, lad, what's to do, eh?
(SIGHS) Well, there's no specific cure for this type of mastitis
except to massage the udder
and strip the teat as frequently as possible.
It's very prevalent at this time of year,
hence the name August bag.
Now, uh, I'm afraid some of your other cows may well be suffering, too.
I'm just sorry there's nothing I can prescribe.
Young man, that doesn't bother me none.
Where there's stock there's trouble
and I know from experience that trouble always comes in cyclones.
Mmm.
That's 65. Put that down, Walter, would you please?
-65, sir? -ALL: 65 it is, sir.
(SIGHS) What the hell's the time?
Five past four.
-Oh, God. -What's the hurry?
You can't rush these people.
This is what the pace of life should really be like.
Life's but a fragile dewdrop on its perilous way.
The hurry is that this fragile dewdrop
should have been on his perilous way over an hour ago.
Now, the next one.
Well I do know that one, no mistaking her, she's number five.
Oh, it says 137 here.
She were bought in, wasn't she?
Nay, nay, she's out of our Dribbler.
Nay, our Dribbler had naught but bulls.
It would save a lot of time if we looked in all the ears, wouldn't it?
WALTER: Ah, you're right, sir, I do think you might be right about it.
FENWICK: I think you could be right, sir. THOMAS: Yes, you could.
WILLIAM: I think you're right about that, sir.
Uh, would you and Mr Bruce here fancy a cup of tea?
-That's very kind... -Very, very kind of you, Mr Hugill,
but I do have another call and heaven only knows when I'll get out of here.
The thing is this test took a little bit longer than I'd expected.
I really have been an absolute fool, you know.
WALTER: Ah, you're right, sir.
You could be right there, sir.
Yes, sir, I think you could be right there.
Are you sure you won't come with me?
No thanks, Jim. I'll just have a look around here
and then walk back, if that's all right with you.
I know the way you bankers think, Andy.
You want to look for somewhere to open a new branch, don't you?
Far from it, Jim. Far from it.
I'm just going to check the lie of the land.
-See you later. -All right.
-Make all your own clothes, do you, Jim? -(LAUGHS)
Best bespoke plastic macs in Yorkshire.
Give me the French chalk and I'll run one up for you, if you like.
Oh, I wish you'd throw that thing away.
You look like a pauper.
Come on, darling, this is Savile Row
compared with some of the outfits my clients wear.
Besides, I couldn't ask you to mend this.
-Have you smelled it? -Yes, I have.
You should do things like that in the garage, shouldn't he, Andrew?
Mmm, position's best downwind of that one, old man.
All right, I'll make an announcement.
I'll get some posters stuck up...
"Veterinary will only treat animals that have been drenched in toilet water."
-(ALL LAUGHING) -Thank goodness for that.
-Yeah, I... Helen, let me... -Oh, thank you.
Lovely.
Actually, I've got an announcement to make.
Well, it's more of a confession, really.
I knew it. A branch in Darrowby.
No.
I'm actually thinking of buying myself some property around here.
Small farm, some sort of enterprise which will generate more than promissory notes
and mountains of useless paper.
You're not serious, are you?
Mmm, I'm serious enough to have done the estate agents
-when you dropped me off in Darrowby. -HELEN: May I?
So you're thinking of giving up city life?
Well, why not? If I can turn my hand to banking,
I can turn it to farming, without the peptic ulcers.
I didn't know the Cantrells were selling up.
Well, it's not surprising. It's more of a quarry than a farm.
And Randall's selling Westbrook?
JAMES: Yes. He's going to buy Jeff Thomas' place.
Oh, here's one for you, Andrew.
Molly Milligan's cottage is coming up for auction.
"Uh, cottage set in 10 acres."
Now, this really is lovely. It's got roses around the door, you know.
-Who's Molly Milligan? -Ah, marvellous old lady.
You'd have liked her.
She died about a month ago.
-More salt of the country earth, was she? -Yeah, absolutely.
For two years I treated her aged mongrel,
-her only companion. -ANDREW: Ah...
I only regret that I wasn't able to keep him going till the end of her days.
It's a lovely place.
Hmm, 10 acres doesn't sound much.
What do you want? Half a county?
Lock, stock and barrel.
Farming is not what you think, Andy.
Aye, I'm going in for pigs in a big way, Mr Farnon.
There are few things that I'd like to be able to do meself,
if you know what I mean.
Want to learn the tricks of the trade, eh, Henry?
No, not big stuff, drugs and the like.
Just a bit of castration here and there.
Now, take this here.
Couldn't I have a go at something like that?
Castrate your normal pigs by all means, Henry,
but this here is a scrotal hernia and it's only a vet's job, I think.
Why?
I can bone a leg of lamb with best of them.
Yes, well, uh, surgery and butchery
aren't really supposed to be in the same league, you know.
And then there's the question of local anaesthetic and danger of infection
and you really need knowledge of anatomy to be sure where you're going.
Ah, I'd really like to know how you do it.
I'll tell you what, if...
If I do this one as a demonstration,
you can watch and then make up your own mind.
Right, that's a good idea.
Hey, what do you charge me to do him?
Seven and six sound all right?
(EXHALES)
Well, I suppose you've got to have your pound of flesh.
Go on then, 10 bob.
Oh well, put that in my pocket, if you will.
I'll give you, uh, your change when it's all over.
Now, Andrew, I want you to hold the pig.
Henry, you show him how,
and then you can come behind me and watch.
(GRUNTS)
Hold him like that.
Hold him tight and bring him over here, Andrew.
That's it. Right there.
SIEGFRIED: Now then, Henry, I want you to pay attention
and watch very carefully.
(SIEGFRIED MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
Now, you see...
If I do this,
I can push all the loops of intestine right back down into the abdomen,
but if I do this...
Voila!
It all pops out again. See how it works?
Hey presto, now you see it...
Now...
...you don't.
Hell of a student we've got here, Andrew.
-(LAUGHS) -Now, you're pretty hardy,
so look, if I take the spermatic cord
and wind it in its tunics,
and clamp it
and this one which is perfectly...
...straightforward.
There we are, that's it and all about it.
Ah, of course!
Henry's change! You can put the pig down now, Andrew.
(PIGS GRUNTING)
Pay up, I want another shilling.
JAMES: What do you think of the late Molly Milligan's place?
-Look at this rose bush growing up round this window. -Yes.
Before you know where you are, it's through the window,
up through the floorboards and ends up in the roof.
Bit of pruning, that's all it needs.
And there's room for a good sized extension around the back.
Well, don't you think an extension would spoil it?
Well, the architect would have to make quite sure it doesn't.
Um...
I need a bit more than 10 acres, though.
You sound like a farmer already.
Teesdale's reckon I could pick up another 50 from that one
if I offer him a bit over the odds.
JAMES: What's the price of an acre this week?
ANDREW: Between £55 and £60.
You've done your homework. So, when's the auction?
Next Tuesday. I better phone the old banco.
All this must be very easy for you, as you almost own one.
There's no point in being a bank manager
if you can't do yourself a favour once in a while.
(LAUGHS)
-Pass it! -No, not in here.
(CHILDREN ARGUING)
Stop it! Now, listen to me a minute.
Go in the garden, see if you can find your bucket and spade, please.
-(CHILDREN YELLING) -Out, go on, out!
Out now, and take the ball. Come on now, stop it.
-(CHILDREN SHOUTING) -Oh dear, oh dear.
The thing I love about the country
is the way it engenders peace in family life.
-James. -Sorry, darling. I'll get the car out.
They can busy themselves loading up.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Is that them back through the front door?
If it is, I'll slaughter you.
-Oh, sorry, Siegfried. -Don't slaughter me, please, Helen.
If you were to slaughter that damn Dumbleby, I'd help you.
I wish... I wish he would take his custom elsewhere.
Don't let it get to you, Siegfried.
All over the country there are businessmen and bankers
just working themselves up to heart attacks over nothing at all.
He just phoned me. What, James?
Got a calving he can't cope with. What did you say, James?
Where's his bill, Helen?
I'll slap that on him before I lift a damned finger.
The top drawer of the desk in the surgery.
But it's all right, Siegfried, I'll get it. You'll never find it.
Ah, you're an eternal angel, Helen.
Exactly, James, exactly.
Calm, inner calm.
I feel better already.
If there's one moment of the week that I cannot stand
being hauled out of bed it's Sunday morning.
Sorry to disturb your domestic bliss.
Who was she about to slaughter, anyway?
Why don't you sit down, Siegfried? Have a cucumber sandwich.
God almighty, James. You're not going to buy a farm, are you?
-Oh, no, that's Andrew. -Mmm? Oh, yes...
I've decided to give up the rat race.
I'm thinking of bidding for Molly Milligan's place on Tuesday.
Molly Milligan's? That's no earthly use to you, Andrew.
Ah, don't you let James's innate romanticism corrupt you.
You'd be scratching for a living there.
No, what you want is an attested herd,
a couple of milking machines. Keep up with the times.
I'll take you to see a man on Monday morning, man of the future,
-who'll make your mouth water. Tell you who... -Here it is.
Ah, Helen, thank you. Thank you.
Uh, have a happy day at the seaside.
(LAUGHING)
Mr Dumbleby?
Twenty-eight minutes it's taken thee. Where's thou been, Mr Farnon?
I was preparing your account, Mr Dumbleby, that's where I was.
Well, come on, my cow won't wait that long.
Unlike some vet's bills, eh, Mr Dumbleby?
That's for you.
Now, you've got to bring the River Thames right up to Traitor's Gate, Jimmy.
So we need a channel, right down here, mmm?
So you dig from that side and I'll dig from this side.
What's Traitor's Gate?
It's where the prisoners entered the Tower.
They were brought by boat from the Palace of Westminster down the River Thames
and they went in through here under Traitor's Gate
and once they were inside, the gate would come down, clang,
and they'd never come out again.
-What happened to them then, Andrew? -Heads chopped off.
-With what? -An axe.
-That's cruel. -What's a traitor, Andrew?
Ah, well, uh...
A traitor is somebody who tries to break up a country.
If he fails, he's a traitor.
And if he succeeds, he becomes a politician.
What's a politician, Andrew?
They're the people who row the boats, silly.
(LAUGHS)
Many a true word, James, many a true word.
(LAUGHING)
I've been pulling them legs all morning.
I've had me hand in.
The head's there, but I can't shift nowt.
Well, we'll soon see what's what.
(COW GROANS)
I'll tell you what...
We've got a pair of twins here.
That's why you can't pull this one out.
Those are back legs you've been pulling on.
Arse first, you mean?
Ah, the calf that's coming the right way has got four legs
in shoulder flexion.
-I'm going to have to push his head back. -(COW GROANING)
And then you pull these legs and get this other calf out.
All right?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
(COW GROANING LOUDLY)
All right... Now I've got his head out of the way.
Now you pull on this other one.
(GRUNTS)
(COW GROANING)
-Go on, go on. -(GRUNTS)
(COW GROANS)
Mr Dumbleby, let's come to an arrangement.
You do the pulling, and I'll do the grunting, all right?
(COW GROANS)
DUMBLEBY: Beggar don't want to come at all, does he?
You don't think they're Siamese, do you?
No, they're just straightforward twins,
stubbornness and stupidity!
(COW GROANS LOUDLY)
Now then, Mr Dumbleby, you take hold of that leg. I'll have this one.
-Right. -And when I say pull,
you just pull steadily.
-No jerking, mind. -(GRUNTS)
-And then I'll pull mine. -Right.
Are you ready? Right, pull.
-(GRUNTS) -Steady, steady,
steady, steady.
SIEGFRIED: Keep steady.
(GRUNTING)
(COW GROANING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Come on, that's it.
(COW GROANS LOUDLY)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
SIEGFRIED: There you are, there you are.
There you go. There you go. There you go.
Now then, for your brother.
(GRUNTS)
Come on then.
(COW GROANS)
Here we come, here we come.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Come on. Hold on to that.
Out you come.
(MUMBLES)
Steady.
You pull yours...
You pull yours out, steady, steady, no jerking.
(COW GROANING)
SIEGFRIED: Here it comes.
-(BOTH GRUNTING) -That's it.
(PANTING)
That's it.
-Big ones for twins, Mr Farnon. -Yeah.
Pair of calves you've got here.
Twins are quite often born dead when they get mixed up inside like that.
We were lucky to get them out alive.
Should be worth a fair bit, these two.
There you are, there you go.
Hey, let's get these off. That's it.
ANDREW: What would you have done if you hadn't become a vet, Jim?
Not banking, that's for sure.
The only mathematics I have to do in this practice is subtract.
Gives me the jitters, when I realise that we live life one month late.
-Hmm? -The practice is owed so much, you see.
Sounds to me like you need a good lawyer.
Either that or move to another practice.
Like what?
The cat and dog end of the market.
That's where the money is.
As a matter of fact, I've got the chance
to buy into a small animal practice.
Very lucrative,
if I can raise the capital.
Go on.
Well, it's for Helen, really.
It's time she had a new car and a house of her own
and a chance to dress up for a cocktail party once in a while
instead of tramping around in wellies, you know.
What do you think?
More to the point, what do you think?
Would you like a few sausages?
Yes, thank you very much, I would.
Very generous of you, Mr Dumbleby.
How much is that?
Half a crown.
Thank you very much.
(BELL DINGS)
ANDREW: Jim tells me he's thinking of changing practice, is that right?
HELEN: Yes, he's been offered a partnership with another vet.
-Keep it under your hat, though. -Of course.
I think it would be good for him.
It's a modern surgery with all the latest equipment, best technology available.
There's even an operating theatre.
It'll mean us moving closer into town but I don't think he'll mind that.
Be able to spend more time with the children.
He's certainly no nine-to-five man.
Hmm, well...
Maybe he's due for a change, like you, Andrew.
Life's not a static thing, is it?
What about all this wonderful Dales air? Won't you miss it?
Oh, yes, that same air that can lift the tiles off the roof and usually does.
James almost killed himself last year hammering those things back into place.
How do you feel about it?
(LAUGHS) Well...
I think that must be James' decision, don't you, Andrew?
Did you talk to Andrew about raising the money?
Yes, in a roundabout sort of way.
I never really got that far.
-It's ironic, isn't it? -What is?
Well, he's thinking about moving in,
we're thinking about moving out.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Vet's here, Gordon.
Vet? What the hell does he want?
Morning, Gordon, morning, Cyril.
-Morning, Mr Farnon. -This is Mr Bruce.
I've brought him along to see a modern farm.
How do you do?
You don't mind if I don't stop, do you?
If I don't drain every drop, I won't pay me corn bill.
Mr Bruce is a banker but he's thinking of buying a farm up here.
Is he now?
Put youse on 15, Cyril, give 10 a wipe-over.
All right, boss.
He can have this one if he wants.
If he don't own it already.
(COWS MOOING)
He can move in tomorrow if he comes up with money.
I thought cows were always called Bluebell and Buttercup.
GORDON: Nay, that went out with the ark.
They're all numbers nowadays.
Daft beggars don't understand anyway.
Take this one, Cyril.
Any troubles, Gordon, while I'm here?
If there were, you'd be the first to know about it, Mr Farnon.
Do you find all this equipment labour-saving?
Labour-saving?
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions of today
is tomorrow,
and I don't get many of them I can tell you.
Right. Well, uh, thank you, Gordon.
Yeah, well, uh, we caught him at a bad moment.
Poor man's rushed off his feet.
Yeah, he's rather overstretched himself I'm afraid,
our Gordon has, problem is he's undercapitalised,
in hock to the bank with huge interest charges to pay.
He didn't seem a very happy man, Siegfried.
Happy?
He's got a whiff of the future.
Of course, he hasn't got the background or the financial acumen
to exploit his instincts to the full
but he's an example of what a forward-thinking man, like you, can do here.
Oh, now, Gordon's head is in the right place even...
Even if his heart isn't.
But Andrew, there's no place for sentimentality in this post-war world.
Now what we need is men who can manage capital investment prudently,
constantly monitoring critical growth analysis,
feeding crop and stock yields continually into forward planning,
researching underlying market trends to influence strategy
so as to achieve the greatest possible profit.
Siegfried, stop please!
You're making it all sound like working in a bank
which is exactly what I'm trying to escape from.
(PHONE RINGING)
Darrowby 385, Calum Buchanan speaking.
PICKERSGILL: I want you to come out here as soon as possible.
What is it this time, Mr. Pickersgill?
I've got a calf with semolina.
Semolina, I'm telling you. I want you to come out here at once!
-Now, you calf is suffering from what exactly? -Semolina.
A fellow were on about it on wireless.
You mean salmonella.
That's what I said, weren't it?
Well, now, what makes you think it's salmonella, Mr. Pickersgill?
He's bleeding from rectrum.
From the... Oh, I see.
Well, I better come up and have a look at him then.
I'll be with you in due course.
-Aye. -Yes.
-(GRUNTS) -Cheerio.
Semolina... (CHUCKLES)
JAMES: There's an awful lot of them, Mr Dunning.
This may take some time.
Still, at least I've frozen eight of them.
DUNNING: Where's the machine, Mr Herriot?
That'll speed things up.
Does thou want lads to give a hand with it?
Thou's not going to use them things?
Well, either that or die trying.
Miniaturisation, Mr Dunning, that's the name of the game today.
Right. Let's have one in the crusher, shall we?
The snag is, these are a bit of an unknown quantity.
Still, can't stop the march of sands, can we?
Looks to me as though it's going backwards.
Andrew, other side of the fence, please.
Oh, I'll be all right here. Don't want to miss anything.
-DUNNING: Watch out, he's coming through. -What the...
(MOOING LOUDLY)
Hell's bells, Jim. I should have brought my cape and sword.
Whatever happened to the cows in the meadow and little boy blue?
(CHUCKLES)
Unless you fancy yourself as Manolete, I suggest you stay exactly where you are.
-What are they doing? -Making a tourniquet.
After doing 40 of those, my hands will be like stewing steak.
Got it? Thank you.
-And... -(GROANS)
My God, it worked!
Right, now the other one.
His temperature's not very high.
There's no diarrhoea at all, Mr Pickersgill.
This is almost pure blood that's coming out.
If anything he's constipated.
Dang it.
I thought it were just same as that fellow were on about on wireless.
What was he saying?
He said you could send samples off to a Labrador.
To a what?
The investigation Labrador, you know.
Ah, I see.
Uh, well, I don't think the lab would be much use in this case.
What's up with him then?
Is summat matter with his rectrum?
No, he seems to have some sort of obstruction in his bowel that's causing the bleeding.
Do you think it could be aught to do with this?
-And this came out of... -Aye, couple of days ago.
Me and missus had just finished pickled onions,
so I popped it in vinegar to keep it.
I were told to perverse things at college.
Oh, yes, of course.
Now, let's have a wee look.
Ah, yes, this is a piece of dead bowel all telescoped together,
an intussusception. It's normally fatal
but he seems to have got rid of it so he should be all right.
What did you call it?
An intussusception.
(MOUTHING)
-Oh, that's what it were, were it? -Yes.
But I have no idea what caused it.
-I bet I know the reason. -What?
I always said this one would be a weakly calf.
You see, when he was born, he bled a lot from his biblical cord.
(STIFLES CHUCKLE) Is that a fact, Mr Pickersgill?
You all right, Jim?
Thanks. Yes, I'm fine.
Going to be black and blue in the morning.
-(SIGHS) -Come on, next one.
Thanks.
(COW GROANS)
Oh, my God. I've cut through the tourniquet.
-More twine, come on, more twine. -This is terrible, James.
You ought to see yourself, you're covered in blood.
At least it's not mine.
Still want to be a man of the soil, do you?
Thanks.
-Terry. -Glad you could come, Mr Herriot.
Been up to your neck in it, have you?
Yeah, you could say that.
This is a friend of mine, Andrew.
-Which one is it? -This one here.
-Looks like she's got August bag. -Mmm.
Could you pass me that can, please?
Thanks.
God, there's no mistaking that stink, is there?
Summer mastitis, all right. Andrew, thermometer, please?
Thanks.
That caught her pretty hard.
It's not looking good, I'm afraid.
I can't understand it, Mr Herriot.
It's usually dry cows get it.
This one's still giving two gallons a day.
Makes a lot of difference, two gallons does.
All cows can get it, Terry, especially when they've started to dry off.
104?
What's going to happen then? Can you do aught for her?
Well, uh, I'll give her an injection.
You must strip out the teat as often as possible.
You know as well as I do, Terry.
Damn it.
Here we are.
-It's a poor lookout with these jobs. -Aye, I know.
She'll loose that quarter, won't she? Maybe peg out.
Oh, even if one does go, she can make up for it with the other three.
Aye, but a three-teated cow isn't worth much.
Is there nowt I can do myself?
Well, I can't guarantee anything
but the best cases are the ones that get the most stripping.
So, if you can do that every hour
and bathe the udder with warm water
and massage it really well...
-What will I rub it with? -Oh, anything.
It's to move the tissues so that you can get more of that stuff out.
I've got some goose grease.
Fine, yes, use that.
Right, I'm starting now.
Thanks.
He works his heart out for another farmer,
earns 30 bob a week, got a wife and two kids,
and those two cows keep him this side of starvation.
ANDREW: Do you think his cow will die?
JAMES: Yes, I think she will.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Hi, Ted. -Let me do this, you've had one hell of a day.
-Well, it can't have been much better for you. -No, it wasn't.
What would you like?
-A pint, please. -Make that two.
Yes, thanks, Ted.
Hello, William, Basil.
-You seem to know everyone around here. -Mmm. Just about.
Must be a great feeling, walking into almost any pub in the Dales
and knowing everyone in there.
You must get that in the city.
That's not the same, that's work.
So is this.
I wouldn't know half these people if I didn't treat their stock.
Thank you.
Oh, I see.
Is it often like today?
Death and disillusionment? Mmm, afraid so.
See farmers can't afford to play at it.
Their survival depends on the same things as your job.
Debit, credit, stocktaking,
rent, tax, bills.
Point of it is, they do it in muck, blood and dirt.
That's all. Cheers.
All right, Mr Atkinson, as quickly as I can. Mmm-hmm. Bye.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Andrew?
-ANDREW: Hmm? -How do you fancy seeing a pig giving birth?
-What time is it? -What? Oh. Um...
Uh...
-3:00. Why? -Oh!
-(LAUGHS) -ANDREW: Hmm.
Is that all the light you've got?
-Aye, it is. -Well, can you shine it closer?
Yeah, something's stuck here, I think.
-Right, hot water, soap and a towel, please. -(PIG GRUNTS)
No hot water. Fire's out.
Well, bring whatever you've got.
Mr Atkinson!
And I studied five years for this.
Is there a torch in the car?
Oh, there's no time. I can manage, thanks.
Soap's in it.
How long's she been like this?
All night.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
JAMES: God, this is a big one.
All right, come on.
(PIGLET SQUEALING)
(SQUEALING)
That was the problem,
stuck like a cork in a bottle.
(SQUEALING)
Coming off assembly line now all right.
So, what do you think of the miracle of birth, Andrew?
(EXHALES)
Happy birthday.
What was it our old careers master said?
"If you decide to become a vet, you will never grow rich
"but you will have a life full of endless variety and interest."
You dragged me out there on purpose, didn't you?
-Did I? -(CHUCKLES)
Can't say I blame you.
Farming is not all Labradors and plus fours by a long chalk, is it?
I don't think I'm cut out for it, Jim.
I love going to a pub for a drink,
but I would not like to be a landlord.
(SIGHS) There's nothing more difficult
or I suppose more precious than being able to make up your own mind.
(LAUGHS)
Any idea of the train times?
I don't want to give you the impression that
I'm running back to London with my tail between my legs.
-We don't think so, do we, darling? -Not at all.
HELEN: I can't say I blame you, Andrew.
It's better to discover it now rather than six months later.
Why don't you open a branch of your bank in Darrowby?
That way you have the best of both worlds.
I'm afraid not, Jim.
-I'd feel like a general running a scout troop. -(HORN BLARES)
With me it's got to be all or nothing.
I suppose I am a confirmed city slicker.
City, maybe. Slicker, never.
(CHUCKLES) I knew you'd understand.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Come and see us again, Andrew.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Just try keeping me away.
-HELEN: Bye-bye. -Bye.
-Goodbye. -I'll drop you a line.
JAMES: Excellent. Goodbye. ANDREW: Goodbye.
Morning, Terry. Having another go at it?
Hmm.
My God, she looks a lot better.
Aye. Come and have a look at this, then.
Hmm.
What's going on?
Have you switched cows?
(LAUGHS) Nay, Mr Herriot, it's the same cow all right.
-She's better, that's all. -Terry, it's impossible.
What the hell have you been doing to her?
Just what you told me, rub and strip.
Well...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
She's as good as new.
I've never seen anything like it.
Well, I know you haven't, Mr Herriot.
You've never seen a man who'd rub and strip a cow all night, have you?
-All night? -Yes.
He's been sitting on that stool since you left him last night.
Never been to bed, never been in for a meal.
I've had to bring him pieces to eat all night.
(CHUCKLES)
Great fool.
It's enough to kill anybody.
You've done the impossible, Terry, you know that?
Your cow is fully recovered.
The best thing you can do is get some rest.
-You look all in. -Nay, I can't do that, Mr Herriot.
I've got me job to go to, and I'm late as it is.
Siegfried's had to rush up to Mason's farm for a milk fever
and Calum's up at Banks' farm for a suspected sheep scab.
Meanwhile, another would-be farmer heads south.
(SIEGFRIED WHISTLING)
-SIEGFRIED: James! -We're in here, Siegfried.
SIEGFRIED: Ah!
What's the matter, Helen? Feeling a little unloved today, are we?
HELEN: We all go through it once in a while, Siegfried.
Yeah, it happens to the best of us, James,
and there's no harm in using each other's shoulders to cry on
from time to time, isn't that right, Helen?
-Absolutely. -It so happens I have the very cure for all your ills, James.
I looked in at the Molly Milligan auction hoping to bump into Andrew.
I expected to see him there with his chequebook,
but Cecil Cooke told me that he saw you putting him on a train.
He had an attack of second thoughts.
Ah, well, perhaps his time has not yet come.
There you are, James, lot 107.
I got it.
For less than the price of a Renoir.
JAMES: Hmm.
HELEN: Hmm.
(HELEN READING)
-Thank you very much, Siegfried. -Entirely my pleasure, James.
Not really as bad as all that, is it?
No, I suppose not.
What would he do without you?
Ah! Or I without him, eh?
(PHONE RINGS)
(HELEN CHUCKLES)
-Darrowby 385. -PICKERSGILL: Hello, is that vet's?
Yes, Mr Pickersgill.
Ah, you're in the cossack, are you?
Yes, well, of course you are.
Yeah, Mr Pickersgill, don't worry,
I'll be out there as soon as I possibly can.
Goodbye.
(CHUCKLES)